Getting Engaged in Islam: Rules, Customs and the Khitbah Explained
Short answer. Getting engaged in Islam is called the khitbah. A man asks a woman to marry him and she says yes, together with her wali (usually her father). It's a promise, not a marriage: only the nikkah makes you husband and wife. Until then you may not be alone together, may not touch each other and may not go out together.
What is the khitbah?
The khitbah is the Islamic engagement. A man asks a woman to marry him and she says yes. Scholars view engagement as good for those who want to marry. The Prophet (peace be upon him) himself was engaged to Aisha and Hafsa.
An engagement is not a marriage. It's a promise. Both the man and the woman may end the engagement. You're only married after the nikkah.
How does a proposal work?
The man goes to the woman's wali. This is usually her father. He can go himself, with someone from his family, or have someone else ask on his behalf. Does the family say yes? Then you discuss the mahr, the costs and the date. Read about the mahr: What is the mahr in Islam?
Looking at each other is allowed during a proposal. In Sunan Abi Dawud 2082, the Prophet says you may look at her if that helps you decide to want to marry her.
What is and isn't allowed?
Customs and opinions can differ. If unsure, ask a trustworthy imam or scholar.
Engagement celebration, gifts and rings
There are no fixed rules for an engagement. You may announce the engagement, hold a celebration and give gifts. There's no gift that's required.
Scholars disagree about engagement rings. Some advise against them. Others say a ring is permissible in principle, as long as you don't believe it has magical power. In any case, the man may not put the ring on her finger himself. You're not married yet.
Personal gifts for the couple-to-be
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Browse the giftsFrom engagement to nikkah
Are you going to marry? Then the nikkah follows. Read how that works: What is a nikkah? In the Netherlands, you marry under the law first. Read: Islamic marriage in the Netherlands
Frequently asked questions
Do you have to go through with an engagement?
No. An engagement is a promise, not a marriage. Both may end it if they believe that's better.
May engaged couples see each other alone?
No. You're only married after the nikkah. Until then you may not be alone together, may not touch each other and may not go out together.
May you hold an engagement party?
Yes. A celebration and gifts are customs that are permissible in principle.
Who asks during a proposal?
The man asks the woman's wali. This is usually her father. He can go himself or bring someone along. The woman says yes, together with her wali.
A personal gift for the couple-to-be
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Sources: Islam Q&A, answer 20069, 25793, 13704 and 88130; Sunan Abi Dawud 2082; Sahih al-Bukhari 5142. Opinions can differ. This is an explanation in plain language. It is not a fatwa and not legal advice.